The 2016 Superhero Smackdown is under way! I’m your Smackdown analyst, Luke Summers, and I’m here to give you a rundown of the absolute SAVAGERY that took place during Round 1 of the Superhero Smackdown! Let me tell you folks, the phrase DRAMATIC FINISH doesn’t even BEGIN to describe it! On top of that, I will be announcing the winner of the first round of our Superhero Showdown, where YOU, our fans, voted on Instagram for a chance to win some sweet Power Athlete SWAG!
Round 1 consisted of the first two workouts from the 2015 CrossFit Games: The Pier Paddle, and Sandbag
Superhero Smackdown - Event 1 - Pier Paddle
Swim 500 meters
Paddle 2 miles
Swim 500 meters
Athletes begin on the beach and will swim 500 meters around the pier then return to the beach to grab paddle boards. They will then return to the water and paddle south for 1 mile, turn around, and paddle back the 1 mile where they will return to the boards to the beach. They will then swim around the pier again, climb out of the water and cross the finish line.
Superhero Smackdown - Event 2 - Sandbag
Move 720lb. of sandbags across the stadium; 4 100lb bags and 4 80lb bags.
Athletes begin on the stadium floor and will run to the top of the stairs on the north side of the stadium, then must move all the sandbags down the stairs, across the stadium floor, up the wall and to the top of the stairs on the south side of the stadium. Each athlete will have access to a wheelbarrow to use in moving the bags across the floor. The event is complete when all bags have been piled on the opposite side of the stadium.
Superhero Smackdown - Round 1 Results
You can see the results for each event below. Remember, only the top 8 will be advancing to Round 2!
Amid all the breathtaking action of the events in Round 1 of the Superhero Smackdown is one lingering question: Why exactly did Xander “xXx” Cage of team Field Strong get disqualified?! You can see in the results that xXx put up the highest scores in both the Pier Paddle and the Sandbag workout. While xXx is known for his wild side and ability to excel at extreme sports, he’s never been known for his ability to swim or grind out manual labor. After a lot of rumbling among the other competitors, especially Django Freeman who closely tailed xXx, officials inspected xXx’s equipment after his finish on event 2. What they found was absolutely SHOCKING!
Every single one of xXx’s sandbags was filled with corn! Not only is this totally not Paleo, but bags of corn only weigh a fraction of that of sand! As shocking as this is, you might want to sit down for what I have to tell you next.
It turns out it’s not just coincidence that Xander and head judge Nic Cage share the last name. They actually legally share the name! That’s right, the two are related! In fact, they are actually MARRIED! Nic Cage rigged all of xXx’s gear, including paddle board, and the two got caught.
Immediately after these findings, Nic and xXx were escorted from the arena, and chest kicked into the pit in Sparta from the movie 300. Back up judge Liam Neeson was called in to finish out the rest of the Smackdown.
For those who don’t know him, Liam was selected for a very specific reason. In an interview after the Round 1, he was quoted saying: “I may not know how tired you are, or what rep you are on. If you are looking to short your reps short, I don’t have the patience for that. What I do have is a very particular set of skills. Skills that I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like xXx and Nic Cage. If you follow my standards from here on out, that will be the end of it, I will not hassle you. If you don’t, I will watch for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”
This was shocking news for everyone at the event, but not nearly as shocking as it was elating for one of team Grindstone’s competitors, Tommy Conlon. Because of xXx’s disqualification, it bumped him up to continue onto Round 2 of the Smackdown.
As we look at the top of the pack, it should be no surprise that our leaders are also the two featured athletes in Round 1 of our Superhero Showdown, a featured showdown between two of the Smackdown’s competitors. Each competitor represents either Team Grindstone, or Field Strong.
Dominc Toretto of Grindstone edges out Field Strong’s Agent Luke Hobbs; and absolute UPSET! Toretto has street smarts, the will to never give up, and amazing upper body and grip strength from street fights with over sized wrenches. He’s known for his relentless street fights, and unorthodox fighting methods. Also unorthodox are his swimming methods! Toretto literally swam backwards, and didn’t even paddle or kick. Instead he repeatedly punched the water to propel himself! It truly was a sight to be seen. Agent Luke Hobbs, who is ALWAYS in pursuit of Toretto, struggled to stay on his tail in the Pier Paddle event, and REALLY hurt his score for the day. Hobbs vows that he will stop at nothing to close the gap between the two of them. It sounds like these two are going to be a force to be reckoned with.
The mercenaries and and soldiers are no stranger to the low intensity swim and grunt work found in Round 1 of the Smackdown. Rambo, Dutch, and Bane exhibited a level of calm that was almost scary. Their pace was consistent, and not one of them ever showed any sign of fatigue, or discomfort.
Another big story was today's leader, Django Freeman. He and Bane were neck and neck in both events. When asked about his strategy before the Smackdown, it was "find the scariest looking mother fucker in the group, and beat him." For Round 1, it was the winning strategy!
Surprisingly enough, Hancock, the oldest and only competitor who is invulnerable to everything, finishes Round 1 with a mediocre finish; tying a mere mortal. In an attempt to exhibit his superhuman strength, Hancock carried down ALL 720lb.s of sandbags from the top of the tennis stadium. In an act of recklessness and an exhibition of poor decision making, Hancock dropped them all into his wheelbarrow at once. Not designed to withstand the load, the wheelbarrow came apart at the seams. This posed a significant problem for Hancock; former head judge Nic Cage was very clear that the only way competitors can transfer sandbags across the stadium was via wheelbarrow. This drastically affected Hancock’s score on event 2 of Round 1.
The deciding factor for this event for many was the swim. A few of the eliminated competitors found it extremely difficult to compete in event 1, The Pier Paddle. Rocky found it almost impossible to swim & paddle with boxing gloves on. Buoyancy wasn’t a problem for Watney thanks to his space suit, instead it was the hydrodynamics, or lack thereof, that held him back. In classic Steamin’ Willie Beamen fashion, total disregard of his coach's advice worked against him; choosing to compete while holding a football and wearing shoulder pads. And to top it off, it should be no surprise that sheer weight (rumored weight of 1 ton) of the T-800 model, made this round of events IMPOSSIBLE to compete in. The paddle boards simply could support that body weight. The T-800 didn’t succumb to the adversity; in classic Superhero Smackdown spirit he walked the bottom of ocean for the full race distance to edge out 4 competitors! While the effort was admirable, it simply was not enough to advance to Round 2.
Most surprising is the early elimination of Jason Bourne. Bourne, recognized by all, as an extremely capable bad ass, with a no quit mentality, simply fell short this round of events. In an interview after the Round 1, we asked Bourne what happened. He blames it on the fact that he didn’t feel like his life was in danger. He claims his Praxis only comes out when hunting down an enemy, or escaping one. He also mentioned that while he’s an extremely capable runner and swimmer, when it comes to “slow” ridden vessels or vehicles like paddle boards, skateboards, or bicycles, he simply isn’t trained to perform. In the field he’d be more likely to grab a boat, motorcycle, or car.
After Round 1, team Grindstone and Team Field Strong are neck and neck. Each team has 4 competitors advancing to the next round. The top 8 moving on to Round 2 should be proud of their finish. All of them battled and shone. But remember folks, the points from Round 1 DO NOT carry over to Round 2. As they say, “tomorrow is a new day!”
Next Round’s Superhero Showdown - Bane vs. Tommy Conlon
Our next Superhero Showdown will surely be a DOOZY, be sure to head to our Instagram post and place your vote to win some sweet SWAG! Team Field Strong's world renown mercenary, Bane, is taking on his Grindstone doppelganger, Tommy Conlon in Round 2's workouts:
SUPERHERO SMACKDOWN - EVENT 3 - MURPH
For time, with 20 / 14-lb. of body armor:
Each athlete will wear weighted body armor for the duration of the event. There will be a 55 minute time cap.
SUPERHERO SMACKDOWN - EVENT 4 - SNATCH SPEED LADDER
Unlike the 2015 CrossFit Games event, we will NOT be breaking this event down into 3 rounds. Athletes will work their way through this ladder for time, and then be awarded points based off of how fast they complete the speed ladder.
1 squat snatch at each ascending weight for time:
190, 200, 205, 210, 215, 220, 230, 235, 240, 245, 250, 260, 265, 270, 275 lbs
SUPERHERO SMACKDOWN - EVENT 5 - HEAVY DT
5 rounds for time of:
9 hang power cleans
6 push jerks
The weight will be 205 lbs. Athletes will complete 5 rounds of the barbell complex, advancing forward after each round.
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